


I can't control my feelings; I can't control my thoughts

by pepper_407



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Season 1, F/F, Gen, Lesbian Nancy Wheeler, Period Typical Attitudes, also appearances from many other characters and some oc's, blink and you'll miss it trans lesbian mike wheeler, i guess ?, trans lesbian jo byers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:34:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24159715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepper_407/pseuds/pepper_407
Summary: It's 1983 and Nancy is scared; she's also brave
Relationships: Barbara "Barb" Holland & Nancy Wheeler, Robin Buckley/Nancy Wheeler
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	I can't control my feelings; I can't control my thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> So, this like an alternate universe of season one but with a weird time frame and stuff is kind of squished together a bit, also Nancy (and Barb and Jonathan -and Robin) are all in the same Grade with Steve being a year older, like it was in season one, I really hope this fic is legible, if the start seems familiar to you, i used to have it up as a first chapter but because this went in an unexpected direction I've made it all one fic
> 
> suicide is mentioned but not in a heavy way, also the f and d words/slurs are used in a negative way, but only offhand, and Nancy has sex with Steve, it isn't described really but it's talked about a bit and she's obviously uncomfortable having done it, but there is no dubcon. stay safe and don't read if anything will trigger/bother you
> 
> lastly in this long ass authors note, the title is from wonder by lauren aquilina, because that song has always given me lesbian vibes

When Nancy was seven years old her favourite game to play was house, she would be the wife and she would get one of the boys to be the husband and they would pretend to talk about what Nancy thought was adult stuff (work, cleaning and what to make for dinner) and then she would kiss him on the cheek and tell him she loves him (not because her own parents say it to each other that often but because if she was going to be married it would be to someone that she would want to say it to so she has to practise).

One day at lunchtime Georgie-Ann asked Nancy why all the boys had stopped playing kickball and when Nancy answered that she was married to them the other girl laughed. It wasn’t a cruel laughter, it was a giggle derived from hearing an unexpected answer that blossomed into a full-blown laugh when Nancy gave that “who me?” look that she had perfected without even trying.

After Georgie-Anne had stopped laughing she looked Nancy straight in the eye and said, why don’t we get married? Nancy had never considered playing house with a girl because she doesn’t know any grownup girls who are married to girls but then again, she doesn’t actually know that many adults or people in general (she is only seven but when she gets older, she plans to know everyone in the world). Not seeing why not, Nancy agrees that they should play house but she was already married to Tommy H today so she tells Georgie-Ann to come back tomorrow at lunch.

The next day at lunchtime Georgie-Ann came back and told all the boys that she was Nancy Wheeler’s wife and they watched with incredulous expression on their faces as the girl went into Nancy’s pretend house with the imaginary key she obviously had and tried to kiss Nancy on the cheek like she had seen her do to all those boys but Nancy wasn’t prepared so they accidentally touched lips and all the boys laughed and so did they.

Nancy had a great times being married to Georgie-Ann, she wanted to talk about the same toys (even though she knew that adults didn’t talk about toys -she made up some children that they had so it would make sense) and she had so much fun that she told her that they should play again tomorrow but the next day at school when Mrs. Rosenberg brought Nancy and Georgie-Ann to her office to explain why it wasn’t okay to kiss another girl on the playground, all of her points about it being inappropriate in school and germs made sense to Nancy but Georgie-Ann wasn’t so convinced and after they were let go she asked Nancy why Mrs. Rosenberg stressed that two girls couldn’t do it, Nancy knew why (Tommy H had cornered her after school the day before telling her that she can’t kiss a girl because she’s a girl and that If she does it again she will go to hell) but Nancy doesn’t want to say this to Georgie-Ann because it made her cry and she would never want this girl to cry so she just said something about germs and them maybe not playing house anymore and ran away in the least subtle fashion ever.

At the start of middle school Nancy was getting invited to lots of sleepover parties but Barb, who had been her best friend since second grade wasn’t and at first Nancy went anyway but when she realised how much it hurt Barb, she made a mass announcement at lunchtime telling people that her and Barb were a package deal so if they want one they had to take them both, Barb was so embarrassed that she didn’t speak to Nancy for a whole week and Nancy had no idea what she did wrong so she was equally mad at Barb, o mad in fact that she accepted an invitation to the new girl’s sleepover party.

It was the beginning the middle school so everyone was so excited to be in the realm of teenagerhood which means that the party-esque sleepovers that Nancy had gone to that year before the whole public announce situation had been what other eleven year old’s assumed high school kids did at parties, which was to talk about crushes and anything scandalous they could think of. And then usually everyone got bored and watched a movie or painted each other’s nails and then went to sleep. But this girl, Isabelle had an older sister who was grounded so she showed the seven girls her favourite _teenage_ activity.

And that activity was spin the bottle and when Isabelle pointed out that they were all girls the sister said that it didn’t matter because it was just a game but for obvious reasons she would spin the bottle and not participate in the game. Everyone was weirded out and nervous but all Nancy could think about was how much she would like to feel Isabelle’s lips on hers (she assumed this was because of the shiny lip gloss she wore).

When Nancy was twelve, her best friend Barb told her that she might want to kiss girl instead of boys, and before Barb had said that Nancy didn’t even know you could kiss girls but when Barb said it, Nancy replied with _me too_. They whispered about girls they wanted to kiss and Nancy told her about playing house with Georgie-Ann and how nice that was and they talked about how Barb’s dad had once called a girl with short hair a dyke and when she asked what a dyke was he told her it was a girl who was so screwed up that she wanted to kiss other girls. Nancy and Barb cried together and promised each other that they would never tell anyone else what they wanted to do.

Nancy and Barb became best friends when they were eight and they were paired together for a game in gym class, they both hated gym so they messed around and got in a little bit of trouble, they were both outsiders (Barb had long curly red hair and wore glasses and really liked to read and Nancy was caught picking her nose and also liked to read) so for two eight year old girls finding each other was their salvation.

As they got older, Nancy and Barb changed but didn’t grow apart, Nancy stopped picking her nose and read more in private (but never hid how smart she was) and Barb cut her hair and joined Band.

A lot had changed since Nancy and Barb were twelve years old but the one thing they shared, probably the reason they were still best friends was the fact that they still talk to each other about girls, ones they would like to kiss, ones they wanted to take to the cinema, movie stars they lust over and the fact that they still don’t feel this way towards boys. They have both cried to each other, wondering why they were born like this but they have also joked about the fact that they are glad they’ll never have to sleep with a boy but they’ve never told anyone else. Although Barb has been thinking about telling her mum. Barb’s dad left a few years ago, it was without warning but it ended up being for the best, he was a dick. Plus Barb’s mum isn’t that conventional -she has a job and always stood up to her husband, so it might all turn out well.

Nancy is scared for her best friend but Barb’s mum always tells people not to use the word fag and that queer isn’t an insult, so she can’t imagine that she will kick Barb out or anything but Nancy still can’t imagine telling anyone even if she knew that their reaction would be good, she has no idea what her life would be like if she hadn’t become best friends with Barb and they hadn’t confided their secret to one another when they were young, Nancy was so thankful for her best friend.

Now, Nancy and Barb weren’t in love with each other, when she was fourteen, Nancy thought she might be because her best friend is so pretty and cool and the best person she had ever known but when Barb tentative asks if she wanted to practice kissing with her -in case the world changed and she ever got to kiss a girl. Nancy was so nervous and excited and the kiss was really nice and fun but afterwards she realised that no, this was her best friend and she loved her more than anyone and she loved that they both wanted to kiss girls but she wasn’t in love with her, but Nancy still kind of wished she was.

It obviously still wouldn’t have been easy, but if Barb and her loved each other like that they could sneak kisses and dream of a future where they could hold hands in public. But most of the time Nancy is just grateful to have Barb in her life.

When Steve initially took an interest in her she was confused to why but she knew he was hot and he was one of the most popular guys in the school so when she kind of blew him off, this girl who she was sort of friends with questioned why she would ever turn down Steve Harrington and Nancy, who hadn’t even realised he had wanted more from her than tutoring panicked.

So she goes and finds him after lunch and says her schedule has cleared up and then she finds her sort-of-friend and tells her that she has a study date planned with Steve and she freaks out and asks Nancy what she’s going to wear and asks her to mention how great she is to Steve so maybe he could set her up with one of his friends.

It had all seemed too simple to accept the (study) date but now she wonders what she will do if he kisses her, she can’t reject him because what if he figures it out, no one can figure it out. And it’s not like she was that into Barb and the two of them have kissed multiple times, just for fun, so maybe it won’t be that different, and she’s heard rumors about him hooking up with lots of girls (so that means he porbbaly won't suck at kissing) but she’s also heard rumours that Jenny from her first period English class died three weeks ago when really she just changed her hair so maybe the rumours about Steve are wrong too and myabe it will be god-awful, but no matter what Nancy is going to stick it out, that's her attitude towards life and it hasn't let her down quite yet.

She doesn’t tell Barb because she’s ashamed, she knows Barb would never say yes to a date with a boy just because a girl she sort of knew thought it was weird that she told a popular boy that she was too busy to study with him, Barb isn’t an idiot, she’s not going to tell people she wants to kiss girls but she also has been wearing her hair short for two years and started a book club with a few people she did band with last year. Barb is talked about, in the way that there are rumours that she might be queer or is just a weirdo but she doesn’t do anything too crazy so mostly she flies under the radar. But Nancy is way too scared to even wear pants in case people get suspicious, sometimes she doesn’t know why Barb even keeps her around.

The study date doesn’t go terribly, Steve is sort of an ass and definitely doesn’t know anything about the science homework but when he kisses her, she kisses back and it’s not too bad. She wondered how she was going to tell him to stop without it seeming like she really wants it to stop but it turns out to be sort of an non-issue but then it turns into even bigger issue and she kind of wishes they had just made out for half an hour and then Steve had lost interest in her.

But instead, he stops kissing her after about a minute and says that he really likes her so he wanted to make sure that they were on the same page, turns out he’s had a crush on her for a few months and Nancy has no idea what to say other than she likes him too, so when she goes home, she calls Barb and tells her everything and cries and Barb says she came out to her mum and that she’s sorry but maybe she should just tell him that she’s not in the headspace to date right now.

It’s the first time in a long time that a phone call with Barb doesn’t make Nancy feel better. Nancy is scared all of the time, she’s scared that people are going to find out that she’s different, she’s scared that she’ll never be able to have people find out, she’s scared that her mother won’t love her if she finds out, she scared that her little brother won’t know anything other than that bullies use queer and fag as insults and that’s all he’ll associate with who Nancy is.

She’s also jealous. She’s jealous of everyone who wants to kiss the opposite gender, she’s jealous of Steve Harrington who can ask any girl to study and then kiss her and she will almost definitely kiss him back, she’s jealous of Barb who came out to her mum and was accepted and who keeps her hair short and unabashedly hangs fliers for her book club, mostly she’s just so intensely jealous of everyone who isn’t scared almost every second of their life.

She’s not suddenly all everyone can talk about but she definitely is more known at school now that she is the official girlfriend of Steve Harrington, it’s both nerve wracking and actually kind of nice. Barb hates it and spends more time with her book club and Nancy hates that she’s become a person that Barb doesn’t want to spend too much time with, but people like her and it feels nice to be liked (even though she knows that no one would like her if they knew that she’s never once felt what she pretends to feel for Steve every day).

Everything is pretty much the same for a few weeks, she’s still scared all of the time but it’s like a weird layer of extra scared but also secure because she has Steve to prove that she’s obviously straight -she can never seem to convince herself of this fact though. It all changes when she goes upstairs with Steve and leaves Barb by the pool, that is the night she has sex with Steve for the first time, he hadn’t been pressuring her but all of her newly made “friends” have and Steve obviously wants it and one day she will marry a man and she’ll need to know how to do it so she says that she’s ready and afterwards she goes to his downstairs bathroom and cries for fifteen minutes and then washes her face ten times and looks at herself in the mirror and almost cries again and figures Barb left by herself so she goes back upstairs and doesn’t fall asleep for hours, she just lies there next to Steve who annoyingly enough doesn't get to sleep for a while so she has to pretend to bee asleep while also trying not to think about how much she doesn’t want to be here.

In ninth grade Barb joined band for the sole reason that she had a crush on Robin Buckley. Nancy understood where her best friend was coming from, the girl was very beautiful and unapologetically herself – plus she knew French – whoa, but at the time Nancy had an obsession with Lisa Marks, she would gush to Barb about how nice she smells and how cute it is that she brings home cooked meals to school and Barb would tell Nancy that there’s no way she’s going to get good enough on piano to do Band next year so she had to figure out another way to hang out with Robin without it seeming weird.

So, at the end of that year Barb started a book club, which was an ill conceived idea, as Nancy told her, because they didn't have any friends and also that Nancy couldn't join because this year she was joining the softball team and practise took place on the one day of the week Barb had convinced Ms Rooney to let her use the english classroom after school. Ms Rooney had a soft spot for both Nancy and Barb and they returned the opinon, Mrs Rooney was in her late forties and not married, Nancy and Barb had some theories about why.

But Barb was unsuccessful in convincing Nancy to quit softball and join Barb’s book club for a number of reasons, mainly that Barb had convinced her to join the team in the first place, Nancy had timidly brought it up at a sleepover, she had been thinking about it ever since Lisa Marks had told her that they were looking for a pitcher and that she remembered Nancy was pretty good in middle school, Nancy freaked out about that for a week before she told Barb about maybe joining the softball team because Lisa Marks suggested it, Barb freaked out because this is the closest either of them have gotten to have anything happening with any girl they've ever liked (except Nancy kising Georgie-Ann in the first grace -but Nancy didn't know if you could have the ability to have crush when you're seven). Nancy was hesitant about joining, because people said stuff about the girls who played softball, stuff that Nancy had taken a lot of care by wearing dresses and being at least semi friendly with some of the more bitchy and popular girls in their grade, but this opportunity that was presented by the actual girl Nancy had a crush on would've been insane to turn way, she talked about it with Barb, and she suggested to Nancy that she could tell people that she needed the extra sport credits, which isn't exactly true but Nancy wasn't doing as well in PDHPE as all her other classes so it didn't feel exactly false either, and Barb told her that sometimes there's a reason people talk about the girls on the softball team, that sometimes it's the same reason people talk about Barb herself, and Nancy had been trying not to get her hopes up because she knew in her heart that even if she was one hundred percent sure that Lisa Marks liked girls she would never make a move, but the idea that she could be like her and Barb struck a chord in the depth of Nancy’s heart and her and Barb dreamt up future scenarios where Nancy and Lisa Marks were living together happily with a dog and lots of friends and a beautiful garden. -So when Barb tried to convince her to join her book club it was half hearted.

Nancy tried out for the softball team but it was practically a formality because no one else was trying out and Lisa Marks was right, Nancy’s pitch was awesome, she did need to get a bat though, because the coach, AKA one of the cafeteria workers, Miriam, said it's good for all the players to be well rounded, so that afternoon Nancy went home and asked her mother for money to officially join the school baseball team, her mother was hesitant because she participated in a lot of PTA meetings and was friends with some of the other neighbourhood mothers and she knew what people said about girls who played baseball, but Karen loved her daughter, she also though that Nancy and Barb were very close, especially for two girls who didn't seem interested in getting boyfriends, so she just told Nancy to be careful and gave her the money, worried for her daughter, as always, worried for all of her children (but especially her teenage daughter who always spends too long looking at pants in the store and her middle child who she has caught messing around with her lipstick more than once and very almost flinches everytime Ted calls them “son”, luckily her youngest was still a baby and Karen wished like hell she could stay that way forever)

Barb had a plan on getting Robin to join the book club, but that plan failed, the plan was to ask her friend, Jessica, and she did but Jessica said she wasn't into it and Barb didn't have any other connections to Robin, but she went ahead with the book club anyways, and by the next month she was crushing on Sarah R who ran 5k every morning and Barb had a plan to take up running -or at least pretend that she had. That was just how it was with Barb, she fell in love with a new girl every month, while Nancy went deep into really crushing on a girl for a long time, and it ended either with her finding out something that she doesn't like about her/having a bad interaction with her or it didn't end but someone else takes the foreground. They both had this luxury because they had each other, they both knew that if they hadn't befriended each other when they were young their lives would be very lonely and they would always be thankful for each other.

Sometimes Nancy thinks back to being seven and playing house with Georgie-Ann and how that simple activity of two girls kissing each other on the cheek had turned into Nancy being aware of the hate people have and at the time she didn't even know that that hate would follow her around for her whole life, all she knew was that her game time had been ruined. But little moments like that add up in Nancy’s head, being called dyke for being on the school softball team (which she did join for a girl but the people saying it weren't teasing in the form that Barb did), her mum hesitantly suggesting that maybe she should not just hang out with Barb so much -but she said in way that wasn't like other people -it had been suggested that people will thinks shes gay if she keep hanging out with Barb but her mum said in it a way that maybe she shouldn't do it so publicly and like she was genuinely scared for Nancy (she tells Barb about this encounter to make sure she wasn't reading into it and the first thing Barb said was _“Holy shit your mum thinks we're together”_ and this was past the point where either of them thought they could be in love so it was funny but also it made them both see Mrs. Wheeler in a new light), small moments that stuck in Nancy head and big moments which had bigger impacts on her day to day life were the reason she accepted a date and another date with Steve Harrington (who was an ass but could occasionally be funny and she could tell that he liked interacting with her baby sister a lot) and yes she invited Barb to the party but it was because they were fighting about Nancy not spending enough time with her so she passively aggressively asked her to come with her, Steve, Tommy H and Carol to hang out by the pool and because Barb doesn't back down from a fight she did. And not long after they had gotten there Steve invited her up to the bedroom and because he had noticed that Nancy and Barb were not getting along that well she couldn't really use her as an excuse and because she had been getting on with Steve more than she had expected she thought maybe it's best to get this over and done with, it's not like she won't eventually marry someone (because Nancy knows herself and the main reason she had kept up the fight with Barb is because she was jealous of the things she was saying about the future, because Nancy knew she was going to settle for a man and do the whole bullshit white picket fence thing) so she went up to the bedroom with Steve and they had sex, it was awful but mostly Nancy was able to disassociate herself from the moment, Nancy had expected Steve fall asleep straight away but he didn't and Nancy really didn't want to discuss what just happened with him so after she had gone to the bathroom she lay there pretending to be asleep until, eventually, she really did fall asleep.

Barb was dead, Nancy knew it in her bones, she knew it in her fingers and veins, she knew it the way that she knew she would never love someone the way she loved Barb, she also knew it in the way that once she realised there's no way Barb had just run off that Nancy was done hiding who she is. Barb is listed as a missing person but both Nancy and Barb’s mum know this is a lie for the simple reason that if Barb was going to run away she would do it with Nancy. They had talked about it many times, mostly theoretically but always as a promise, they were gonna get out of this shit town together. So when the police started suggesting that Barb ran away because she was bullied/didn't fit in at school, Nancy and Barb's mum gave each other a look. That look was devastating but also connected, they were the only two who knew Barb, and now it seems that they were the only two who would ever know her.

There was only a week left of school before winter break, and then it was a month and a half of spare time before school started back up and Nancy had to brave senior year without the one person that was going to make it bearable. Nancy hasn't called Steve to officially break up but she assumed he got the message when she did not seek him out. She tried really hard to blame Steve for it all, but really she blamed herself, if she hadn't given into the bullshit of dating a boy then Barb wouldn't be dead. But Nancy also doesn't give herself much time to blame herself because she had to figure out how Barb died.

Obviously she rules out suicide, because her relationship with her mum was better than ever, also had a new crush (Kimberly Miller) and the start of a crush is always Barb’s favourite time, and Nancy knew Barb, she knew her best friend and she refused that she had killed herself and Nancy promised herself that she wouldn't go down that road until she had used up all her other options. But on the other side of that, Steve, Carol and Tommy H were her best leads, because they were there, to be fair Tommy H and Carol were actually her best leads because Steve had been with her, but it was his house so he might have insight.

Nancy thinks she should approach Steve first, out of courtesy, but also because she guesses she did get to know him a little, and he was a jackass and she had heard him call guys fags before but also he was funny and sometimes sweet and genuinely didn't care that Nancy’s only friend was a girl with who wore pants and had short hair who   
regularly had sleepover with Nancy. It was his final year of school so she did wait until she knew exams were over for seniors and knocked at his door, hoping like hell that his parents wouldn't be there (she knew they hardly ever were but it's just another thing she really didn't want to deal with), she knew she could have called him on the phone but this felt more official and she did want to see him, she needed to confirm their break up and it seemed rude to do that on the phone.

She heads over to Steve's house on the first day of break, does not call ahead to check if he's home, because she's a dumbass who assumed the most popular boy in the school will be alone at home on his first day of freedom. She heads over wearing pants. Nancy has exactly one pair of pants and she had never worn them outside her house and she had also gotten them two years ago so they are a little tight. Barb only worn pants and Barb knew how Nancy envied her for doing so, so Barb had gotten her a secret pair of pants that were for Nancy in case she ever got the courage but she also want to make sure Nancy knew there was no pressure, just appreciation for her best friend and her potential on pant wearing. Nancy laughed at the silliness and wonderfulness of her best friend, she occasionally wore them in the house when no one was there, it felt liberating but also terrifying and kind of sad.

So imagine how terrifying and liberating it was for Nancy to wear pants outside of her home, to Steve _The Hair_ Harrington's house the day after school had ended. When she got there she saw several people out on the lawn, they looked like they had been there all night and Nancy wondered to herself why she had to get up so early, if she had some back later maybe they’d be gone, but then Nancy realised it was 10am which was a respectable time to visit someone house and the people on the lawn signified a party from last night which would lead Nancy to assume that Steve would be there, hungover, but there. Tommy H and Carol might also still be here, which would be a big plus that she didn't see coming.

The door was open but she still knocked, she had her wits about her (yes Nancy was aware that she should be in deep mourning right about now but she needs to know how it happened before she can deal with it and move on). She heard a “coming” but it was a female voice so she wondered if it was an overnight guest of Steve’s or just another remnant from the party like the people on the lawn. Kimberly Miller answered the door and Nancy let out a startled laugh, this girl was one of the reasons why Nancy was so sure Barb had not committed suicide and here she was wearing last nights makeup opening the door to Steve's house to Nancy Wheeler who was relatively unknown but less so in the six months or so and she assumes very much less so in the last week, even though she wasn't at school to witness her newfound fame? Knowness? Hmm, she would have to think about what to call herself, her, the girl who's best friend was missing.

Nancy had a very one track mind, so yes she was aware that Will Byers was also missing, she felt sorry for her brother and his other friends, but she was mostly treating it as a lead, as no one else seemed to make the connection that Barb and Will both disappeared on the same night, she will have to make it for them. But Will was her second lead, mostly because she had no idea how to approach the situation and at least with Steve she knew him and he wasn't closely related to a twelve year old boy who was missing.

Kimberly stood there for maybe twenty seconds just staring, like she couldn't really believe what she what she was seeing, eventually Nancy asked if Steve was upstairs and dressed which pulled Kimberly out of whatever trance she was in and she looked genuinly shocked that Nancy would imply that she was sleeping with Steve and told Nancy that he probably was in his bedroom but no, she was not coming from there. There was a look in Kimberly’s eye when she saw the pants on her and when Nancy had suggested that she had slept with Steve that Nancy recognised, but she was way too focused to deal with that right now, she tucks the thought away for later and heads upstairs to see her first lead.

Maybe it was weird that she was thinking about her ex boyfriend in terms she only knew from Nancy Drew, but was trying very hard to make it seem like a natural word for her to use, and it did seem right, she didn't want to get personal, even though a week ago they had had sex. She desperately tried to not think about that at that very moment, because she regretted it more than she ever thought possible, and she already knew she was going to regret it before it happened.

She made it up to Steve's room and all she could think about was that night, she steadied herself, practicing what she was going to ask under her breath and knocked on his door. It was a minute of two before he answered, wearing boxer shorts and no shirt, she peeked behind him but didn't see a girl, or even signs that there at any point had been a girl in there last night. Nancy felt a bit weird about that, mostly because she had been expecting one, but also a little bit like maybe she was worried he was still into her.

Steve gave a similar shocked silent stare that Kimberly gave her, but his had more of a worried look, but not the worried she was prepared for, Nancy had built up this circumstance of she would come over and there would be a girl in his bed and he would feel guilty and she would be understanding and then ask him some questions about nearby houses and just general sketchiness of the neighbors and just anything that could help her figure out what happened to Barb and then they would go their separate ways forever. None of that happened and she was thrown off.

After a long look at her, Steve pulled her into a hug and then into his room. And started to explain why he hadn't been over to her house and how he just wants to be there for her in any way possible. Nancy had literally no idea how to deal with that so she just stands there as he closes the door. She doesn't think he's going to make a move, but it also seems like he thinks they're still dating, and as part of the pact she made with herself of being more honest, Nancy will not be dating a boy ever again. But also she’s not an idiot so she won’t tell Steve of her lesbianism or anything, but also she really just hopes he doesn't try to kiss her, it was bad enough when Barb was alive, now she thinks maybe she would break, and she can't break, not yet, she needs to find the truth first.

Steve sits on the bed and gestures for Nancy to join him, but she feels very uncomfortable at what that bed implies/reminds her of, so she sticks to standing and starts her spiel about how she’s trying to figure out what happened to Barb and if he had any information that he thinks would be helpful in her search. In his defense Steve does listen and try to help but it seem he has nothing of real use and it does seem like he assumes she's had run off and when Nancy explains that she's most likely dead he tries to convince her otherwise. She feels weird about it all and really just wants to get out of that bedroom, she also tells him that they've broken up. He looks at her like she's grown another head. And yes maybe it came out of nowhere but he had no useful information and that is the other thing she wanted to do when she came here. She gave him time to digest the words, and accept them and then he said that if she ever needed a friend she could come to him, or if she ever needed some benefits he would be here too, no strings attached. Nancy knew he was just trying to help but she felt hot and uncomfortable and soon said her goodbyes, he also told her that Tommy H and Carol were probably hanging out in the parking lot of the bowling alley, rolling joints when she asked where she could find them, he also tentatively asked if she wanted him to go with her. She declined the offer but agreed that maybe they could be friends, after all she was lacking in that department now, and Steve wasn't going away for college, it seemed like he had no idea what he was going to do, but Nancy didn't think that was her problem right now, and obviously neither did Steve.

On her way out Nancy sees that Kimberly had left, and so had all of the people on the lawn, so she checked her watch, it was 10:42am, she had been in there for about three quarters of an hour, time really gets away from you when you’re trying to get information out a dumbass who means well, she thinks as she gets on her bike and rides to the bowling alley.

Nancy thinks out her game plan for Carol and Tommy H, who are both wild cards, even more now considering the circumstances, she doubts they are going to give her a hug and offer her condolence sex, but she thinks maybe they’ll be a bit more willing to talk to her than they would be under normal circumstances. Those two never liked her when she was dating Steve, to be fair Nancy didn't really go out of her way to befriend them but they seemed to think they were better than her while at the same time thinking that Nancy thought she was better than them, it was a weird dynamic and she's weirdly kind of curious how this attempt of an interrogation will go. Hopefully it will give her something, because her next lead is Will Byers and she has no fucking idea how to approach that.

She rides up the parking lot and sees them sitting on the roof of Carol’s car, looking like two people who have no cares in the world. Nancy psyches herself up for a second but starts to head over there before they spot her and try to escape or something. She stands there for a few seconds before Carol sees her and nudges Tommy H, they don't say anything, just look at her expectantly. Nancy doesn't know what kind of greeting to give them so she doesn't, she just starts into her kind of rehearsed speech about whether they saw anything that might give Nancy a clue on what happened to Barb, she realises they are pretty zoned out so she haS to lure them back into the conversation a few times, but it doesn't seem like they're being intentionally dicks to her, which is a different experience than she normally has.

It would have been so disappointing that they didn't know anything but as she turned to leave Carol taps her on the shoulder and starts telling her that she did see something kind of weird, she had said that she saw the Byers weirdo lurking the bushes with his camera, so maybe he did something to Barb. Nancy was annoyed by the fact that Carol thought he would hurt Barb but the fact that he was taking photos was kind of sketchy, but still his photos were the best lead she could've asked for so she doesn't even bother defending him to Carol, he can deal with it, he’s already a loner. Nancy thinks he might like being isolated, Barb had a theory that he was gay, but Barb had that theory for a lot of people, although Nancy thought maybe there was something about Jonathan, but mostly the thing about jonathan that she wanted was his photographs from that night, so she thanks Carol and bid her goodbyes. But as she was putting on her helmet and trying to decide if she could go to Jonathan's house, and if he would even be home she realises that infront of her stands Robin Buckley.

Nancy doesn't really know what to say about Robin Buckley. She's gone to school with her since kindergarten, interacted with her a fair amount of times, but Nancy doesn't know how to describe her. Nancy would say that she felt like she was being haunted by all of Barb’s crushes, because of Kimberly and now Robin, but Barb had had a crush on so many girls that it would be pretty hard to find one that she hadn’t liked even for just a period. Even so, all Nancy really knew about Robin was things she remembered from Barb’s crush on her, which was that she rocked on the tuba, spoke a bunch of languages and liked to read in them all (this was the inspiration for the book club and why Barb was certain she would join) and that she was really pretty. She guesses she doesn't know this because of Barb, but honestly she hadn't really noticed how pretty Robin was until Barb had pointed it out, and in the two years since then she had only gotten prettier, which was probably the worst thing to be thinking at this very moment.

“Wheeler, hey” Robin says soon as Nancy makes eye contact with her

“Hey, Robin” Nancy says as she is mentally wondering how the fuck she’s going approach Jonathan Byers, who she has technically known forever but hadn't really interacted with in years

“I just wanted to say sorry about Barb, or you know, whatever you say in this situation”

That actually makes Nancy giggle, a noise that obviously surprises both of them, but Nancy appreciated the awkward genuineness of that statement, they both look at each other for another few seconds and then Nancy gestures to her bike and they wave goodbye.

Nancy thinks about that interaction the entire way to the Byers house.

The ride to the other side of town is long but also gives her time to think, she thinks Jonathan will probably help, if he has the time, and if he doesn't she can get the photos developed herself (somehow), theoretically all she needs is his camera.

Nancy knocks on the door and almost immediately Joyce Byers opens it and Nancy had not prepared for this, which was so stupid, like Steve’s parents were almost never home and she thought about what to say to them, but here and now Ms. Byers was looking at her like she had no idea what she is doing here and suddenly Nancy felt very awkward and like she should leave right this second.

“I’m really sorry to bother you Ms. Byers, I was just hoping to speak to Jonathan for a second” Nancy tried very casually to look in the door to see if he is here  
“Joe, you have a visitor” Ms. doesn’t apologise for the tears in her eyes, and Nancy respects her for that, and entered the house when Ms. Byers gestures for her to, ”and call me Joyce, Hun”

The house is a mess, Nancy thinks she sees Christmas lights bunched up in the corner but Ms. By- Joyce also doesn’t apologise for it. Nancy also thinks it’s interesting how Jonathan’s mum calls him Joe, for short, she didn't know he went by that. It intrigued her.

Jonathan comes into the living room and looks genuinely upset to see her, which Nancy gets its not the best time, but Barb is missing along with Will so she assumed he wouldn't be a complete dick to her, although she thinks she a sees a bit of panic in on his face before he asks what she needs.

Nancy waits until Joyce leaves the room because he probably had to sneak out to take photos late at night, and then explains to him about the photos and Barb and how he could be a big help. He takes a while to reply, like he’s psyching himself up, once he does speak he looks like he's about to vomit as he says that she should come to his room to look at the photos and that he's really sorry, he just wanted to see what it would be like.

As soon as she gets to his room and he pulls out the photos, it all clicks in. There are pictures of her first time, her first time with a guy, hopefully her only time with a guy. That was one of the worst nights of her life and this teenager who she barely knows is showing her that he captured a very vulnerable private moment of hers on camera and then kept the evidence.

Nancy has no idea how to react, should she report him? This seems illegal, she considers just punching him, but his mother is in the house, she would hear. She’s frozen in the feeling of unexpectedness and feeling gross in her body and remembering how she felt like that when the activity that had been photographed without her permission was happening.

Jonathan could tell that she was about to do something that would probably fuck up both of their lives even more than the last week had and quickly says “I feel like I maybe can tell you this because of Barb and rumors and I know rumors are often wrong but fuck it, and I know this doesn't excuse it, I knew it was wrong but, i needed to see that if i was different that I still wouldn't want to have sex with him, the hottest guy in school” She gives him a look that says that he’s rambling and he has no idea what he means, Jonathan continues “I might be outing myself to someone who cannot be trusted but fuck it, I’m a girl, I don’t look like one, but I am one, and my name’s Jo and i thought that being a girl born in the wrong body was bad enough but I've realised that I don’t even want to fuck boys, but I am sorry that I used to you to confirm and I get it if you want to do something about it”

Nancy looked around to see if there was maybe a tape recorder or something, was she being pranked or something, but no, Jonathan-sorry, Jo? Had some tears in her? eyes and Nancy realises this was the truth and that like Steve, this was a friendship she would have never asked for, but with her being down a friend, she knew she had to take it, “I don't forgive you, what you did was wrong and messed up and makes me feel sick”

Jo looks at her like she's going to run or doing something crazy, then Nancy continues “But I would never out you, and you're right sometime rumors are wrong, but often they are at least based in truth, and that's all I'll say about Barb, but if you were wondering if I liked girls, only girls, you would be correct, so you can see why your photos might be even worse now, and i would like to personally destroy them”

Nancy watched Jo take all of that information in and hands Nancy the photos but before she turns around to leave, “Barb is alive, she’s just stuck in an alternate world with my brother”

“What the fuck?”

“You’re, um, you’re sibling, Mike, told me, the kids have a psychic orphan and some vague ideas about what to do and they came to me for help and even though I promised I would keep this a secret, I have been thinking you might want to help save your best friend”

”Hell yeah I do”

Jo gives Joyce a head nod when the girls leave Jo’s room and Joyce starts up her car and the two teenagers get in. Jo explains that they’re driving to the school that they’ve set up a deprivation tank of sorts to do something that Jo doesn't quite get, they're about halfway there when she spots the weirdest combination of people (and not just people she’s seen today) on the side of the road, almost seeming like they're getting along. Nancy’s not sure if she wants them to spot her but they do and wave down Joyce, It’s Steve and Robin. They explain that they heard a really weird radio signal when they were both waiting to interview for a job at the local video store and were trying to figure out what it could mean.

Nancy and Jo give each other a look before Nancy asks “Do you remember what it was?”

Robin replies with a code that included the number eleven as well as several words in french and maybe Russian, but for some reason when Robin said the word eleven Jo made them get in the car because she thought that maybe they would come in handy

The five of them rock up to the school in the middle of the night and Joyce gets her box of lights and other stuff that the others (the children and possible Hopper?) have requested and they enter this weird parallel universe where it makes sense for all this to be happening and for all these people to be here together.

Nancy sees Mike and and they (Jo used very vague and non gendered words when talking about her sibling before, and now it seems like Mike is wearing make up so she thinks it’s probably better to be safe than sorry) talking to a kid with a shaved head who looks scared shitless, Nancy sees Steve and Robin tell the code to Hopper, Lucas, Dustin and some red haired kid Nancy doesn’t know. Steve makes his way over to Jo who looks like she would rather be anywhere else, and Robin comes over to Nancy like it's the most natural thing in the world.

“Hey Wheeler” Smirks Robin, “twice in one day, huh?”

Nancy, realising she has no idea what Robin’s last name is, gives her finger guns, “Well you know me, always up for a challenge”

“Is that so?”

“It is.”

**Author's Note:**

> it would be cool of you to comment, that would be a cool thing to do


End file.
